Saturday, December 19, 2009
A Christmas Butler brings Mary her coffee
I see someone else is having trouble with their butler too. I don't feel so alone anymore. I wonder if he has been associating with Smithers.
Yours most frustratingly
Lady O.
Oh dear it's that time of year again
Goodmorning to all people of breeding who may be reading my little posts as I believe they are called.
I hope you are all well organised for the festive season and have butlers who do know how to recognise a Christmas tree when they see one. Honestly I left Smithers with the task of finding me a decent tree for the dining room, but when I returned home from my Sherry tasting afternoon I found half a Gum tree stuck in my best Ming vase with a few polystyrene garden gnomes hanging from its branches. I'm afraid at that point I really did become most angry. I don't like it when I begin to sound like those philistines one meets in the Antipodes who yell obscenities from their vehicles when one has done absolutely nothing to deserve such abuse. But I was furious with Smithers. You would think the silly man had never seen a Christmas tree before. I ripped the bowl of fruit off his head and threw it across the room. Smithers cowered behind the statue of David. I am certain he had never seen me so mad. I ordered him to remove this monstrosity immediately and replace it with a proper tree. He tried to get it out of the ming vase but it was firmly stuck. So before he had the chance to take an axe to the vase, I got him to put the hideous thing in the back of the rolls and I drove myself to the local hardware store and paid the owner a small fortune to delicately cut the tree out of the vase. You do understand that delicate is not a word that means anything to Smithers. I now have a vase with a tree trunk inside it but at least I still have my priceless antique.
Well I do hope that your festive season goes a tad more smoothly than mine.
Yours ever frustratingly,
Lady O.
I hope you are all well organised for the festive season and have butlers who do know how to recognise a Christmas tree when they see one. Honestly I left Smithers with the task of finding me a decent tree for the dining room, but when I returned home from my Sherry tasting afternoon I found half a Gum tree stuck in my best Ming vase with a few polystyrene garden gnomes hanging from its branches. I'm afraid at that point I really did become most angry. I don't like it when I begin to sound like those philistines one meets in the Antipodes who yell obscenities from their vehicles when one has done absolutely nothing to deserve such abuse. But I was furious with Smithers. You would think the silly man had never seen a Christmas tree before. I ripped the bowl of fruit off his head and threw it across the room. Smithers cowered behind the statue of David. I am certain he had never seen me so mad. I ordered him to remove this monstrosity immediately and replace it with a proper tree. He tried to get it out of the ming vase but it was firmly stuck. So before he had the chance to take an axe to the vase, I got him to put the hideous thing in the back of the rolls and I drove myself to the local hardware store and paid the owner a small fortune to delicately cut the tree out of the vase. You do understand that delicate is not a word that means anything to Smithers. I now have a vase with a tree trunk inside it but at least I still have my priceless antique.
Well I do hope that your festive season goes a tad more smoothly than mine.
Yours ever frustratingly,
Lady O.
Friday, December 11, 2009
My best quill pen
Hello again dears. Yes it has been a while since yours truly has been in touch. The truth is my incompetent butler managed to suck my best quill pen up the barrel of the vacuum cleaner when he was attempting to rid my Edwardian desk of dust. As you can imagine I was almost at my wits end. I said to him 'Smithers why on earth do you think I paid for your trip to London so you could bring me back a duster made of the best English goose feathers, if you are going to leave it gathering dust itself in the pantry?' But I realized my logic would be wasted on a man who spends all his weekly wage adding to his garden gnome collection, without the slightest consideration for his requirement to pay the rent.
And can you imagine my frustration to find him emptying the contents of the hoover onto my best Persian rug and scattering a pile of dust all over the morning room as he searched for the quill pen.
I told him to just forget it. What kind of a state did he think my best quill pen was going to be in after spending its time in a Hoover bag. I simply informed him I would go to Sotherbys at the first possible opportunity and bid for another one.
They're not a dime a dozen you know so it's taken a while but I now have a new pen and I am making absolutely certain that this one will be butler proof.
Yours ever faithfully
Lady O.
And can you imagine my frustration to find him emptying the contents of the hoover onto my best Persian rug and scattering a pile of dust all over the morning room as he searched for the quill pen.
I told him to just forget it. What kind of a state did he think my best quill pen was going to be in after spending its time in a Hoover bag. I simply informed him I would go to Sotherbys at the first possible opportunity and bid for another one.
They're not a dime a dozen you know so it's taken a while but I now have a new pen and I am making absolutely certain that this one will be butler proof.
Yours ever faithfully
Lady O.
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