Heaven help me

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined I would end up living in the Antipodeas. I left behind my modest little castle in England, my croquet and bridge companions, and my little Jack Rustle dog, all to follow my senseless husband to a land full of a crude bunch of philistines who drink their tea out of plaastic cups! Even worse, polystyrene. I am not even sure that I have spelt that properly, the word has so little association with my life.

Unfortunately my husband Percival is in love with the place and is making my life hell as everyday he comes up with a new plan that justifies why we need to stay here for yet another year. I cannot begin to tell you the kinds of ghastly things I have had to put up with. Living in a bungalow has been quite an adjustment after our lovely little home in England. I haven't had a decent glass of sherry since I arrived and nobody knows how to speak the Queen's English properly.

To make matters worse, Percival has become horribly involved with the Greenies. At times I have even resorted to pretending I had divorced him, in case my friends back in England were to spot him on television on that Greenpeace boat. I was frightfully embarrassed at the way he was yelling at those poor Japanese whalers, who were doing their best to rid the oceans of those over-sized creatures once and for all.

Anyway I must away now. I have some cucumber sandwiches to make.
I will be in touch again soon.
Yours ever faithfully
Lady Ophelia Austen-Featherbrew